A talk with the Mac... over chai

Gazing at my laptop, stalking the blue light emitted from the glazed black keys; I wondered if my laptop could ever verbally talk to me, maybe this is how the conversation would be...

MAC: Just because my dad (who strangely chose his name to be that of a fruit) boasts about my processing speed & fancy OS, you can’t be dumping files into me. Just cause you can’t memorise them, you can’t expect me to remember everything for you.

Me: There aren’t too many actually....

MAC <scoffing laughter>: Not too many at all! Just that folder of your silly pictures with that friend who dislikes my community, that fat aunt who can’t adopt anyone from my community (apparently we are complicated!), that weird tree picture (dude, trees don’t even care a damn about my community).

Me: C’mon, just because you store pictures of people who don’t like your kind, it doesn’t mean you act so offended...

MAC: It isn’t just this. Why would you let fat fingers touch me? I too have self-respect.Where have your morals..

Me: ...Whoa.. hold on... err... fat fingers? Who is that?

MAC: Sometimes you find me too complicated & ask people with fat fingers to help you out. They can’t just touch me. I know I’m highly sexy compared to Windows (that name itself is such a turn off). But it doesn’t mean everyone gets to touch me... even if they want to!!!

Me: Alright, relax dude... you seem to be quite ..

MAC: Relax? You’re the one who doesn’t let me turn my lights off. Either you constantly type on me. It’s like I’m getting hammered in the stomach. Then you ask me to download films. Why can’t you just watch them on TV?

ME: Well, you got a sexy screen :P

MAC: <blushes> Umm...

ME: By the way, I think I need to really tell you that your community is damn good at selling.

MAC: Oh yes, we just replace square looking buttons with circular buttons & sell it in the form of ‘new’, ‘kickass’ updates... Oops.. I hope no one heard me. We are a loud spoken... need to change that habit.

MAC: <continues> But we changed that strategy. Our father saw the love your kind was giving his kids. So he put in a really cool, genuine feature in my little brother, the phone’s iOS 7.1.1.

ME: <rushes to get the update>

MAC <whispers> It’s easy to fool this kind.

ME: <whispers> I still love your kind.

Stalking Rahul Baba: WOW moments at the interview

There have been heaps of criticism and spoofing around this one interview. But guys, we just missed out on the WOW moments which surely taught us so much. (seriously!)

 I sat before the television set, waiting for the interview to air. One of the homosapiens contesting to preside over India would be talking to us...

For a moment I thought I had tuned into the humour-filled ‘The Week that Wasn’t’ show. I saw myself giggling a lot at an interview meant to discuss our nation’s future. But trust me, this interview had several WOW moments.

You were finally on air.

Did I go like ‘WOW. What a charismatic leader’?

I actually was like ‘WOW... that was funny’. (WOW) It takes efforts to be funny.

Did I understand the answers?

I haven’t ever understood mugged answers.  But rote learning was at its best. Okay, so you memorise words. I’m sure more than a lakh kids do that as well. But you also mugged up your emotions. (WOW) You had the same expression all throughout. That’s stability. (WOW, again) And when you decided to flash a smile, you quickly cloaked it with that serious face. That's called being quick. (WOW)
I get it. You need to ‘look’ serious (literally) so we think you’re too busy with work. I did that when I was too bored of paying attention back in college.

You surely were a better pick. Were you?

You were better than Arnab this time. (WOW) Arnab, Karan Thappar and a few more interviewers, can make you pretty uncomfortable by shooting questions. What you did was epic. He asked you some serious questions about India, and you answered back with equally serious questions. (WOW)
Exactly, so how does one go about empowering women? Ask us. 
How should the core committee be chosen? Ask us.

A little more of the WOW-dom I took from that interview were three letters- RTI (wow. #such achievement #much brag), few more questions posed by Rahul Baba and ‘hopefully-not-true’ visions.

I had a great laugh. I think some good amount of blood was generated in my body. The nation got a good amount of mugged answers, a topic to make a spoof video, a topic to write a blog on. But beyond that..... (wait, let me ask my mum how to end this post...)

SRK takes up Lord Krishna's role

With Janmashtami day's lively daze, aamchi Mumbai tuned into festival mode with head-banging music. I wondered Lord Krishna preferred  which of the two songs more? A remix from Aashiqui 2 or Lungi Dance from Chennai Express. There was flash– a van decorated in silver foil. There was excitement– a man tore his T-shirt when a particular mandal broke a matki. There was inquisitiveness– a lady, while having her mouth open, saw if the little guy on the pyramid would make a hit... a mosquito conveniently made a hit into her mouth.

The scene after crossing the only time-saving bridge in the city got even more flashier. The crowd at Worli was a replica of the one we witnessed when we earned the 2011 World Cup. What was happening? It seemed that Lord Krishna was supposed to visit Worli for his birthday. Maybe He posted it on Twitter. But there really wasn’t any Twitter update from Him. After all, He must have decided to spend time with his childhood friends as He keeps so busy with us on the rest of the days. He can’t bear to listen to us even on his birthday! So what were lakhs of people doing in Worli?

One dear MLA had organised a Dahi Handi... (I really don't know whose money was put into it). Okay and...? And SRK was scheduled to come after a line up of several other celebrities. Now there had to be  a wait, an anticipation, an anxiety, some goosebumps until the gem arrived. It was fascinating to see the love of humans for another human (who is charming and enterprising). It is also fascinating to see the 'SRK jealous-mongers’ criticise! Please do, scream out your lungs, exhaust the oxygen within you because it will just add to his fan followers' base. One can’t have lovers until they have haters. 

So coming back to the love of humans for another charming and enterprising human.

 After learning that SRK was coming for the Dahi Handi, Madhuben had travelled from Gujarat. Her supportive husband immediately arranged for Madhuben’s travel and here she was in Mumbai, decked up with new glazed bangles. Rizwan, Asif, Farzan and Shoaib Aziz, the four siblings wore coloured lungis while Saurabh gleamed amidst the lakhs of people. Saurabh, an aspiring filmmaker was pushed by the crowd with varying intensities at varying points of time while he waited only ‘to see’ SRK. Kakaji had carried his medicine, and popped it in while slyly giving one of his calm smiles to Kakiji. Kakiji scored high on shyness. Both had lost a few of their teeth capable of breaking African walnuts. But Kakiji had bought dentures. She couldn’t let SRK see her teehtless. Stock broker Mukundbhai blurted on his phone ‘Kal phone karna. Abhi mujhe Shahrukh ko dekhne do.’ Did I really hear a stockbroker delaying his phone conversation? He really didn’t care about the delicate points on the Sensex or the Nifty for those few 'SRK-glancing' moments!

I witnessed India in Worli; different castes, creeds, religions and languages wove into one location for one purpose. All had a common place to visit that Thursday evening. A common desire ran through every blood – to see SRK. A common wait pumped in every heart.

Ruhi Kaur and Inderjeet Kaur were heard telling their putar Junior Inder (as they usually address him) that if he works hard and honestly, someday all these people will await to see Junior Inder. Junior Inder, seated on Senior Inder’s shoulders, screamed with joy. 

The cameras went over heads. 

The flashes triggered. 

A common joyful uproar was launched. 

The common tears of joy were left to unveil.  

The day had begun.

He had arrived.

EXPERIMENTAL SCREENPLAYS: ‘How a small action creates a change in the universe’

To,

Human

After a human asked me something regarding one of my earlier posts ‘How a small action (a hug by Shah Rukh Khan & Salman Khan – to be precise) creates a change in the universe’, and after I witnessed some real life incidents at different timings, I decided to conduct a written experiment with 2 screenplays.

Who asked me?

Just a human with nerves, blood and arteries.

Asked what?

So the smallest of actions creates a change in the universe, eh? (followed by laughter which sounded like snorting)

I decided to experimentally stalk how the smallest of actions can create bigger twists and turns.  

APPARATUS:

My Mind

My creativity

Observing a few real life incidences at different timings on one quiet, partially-rainy morning

I couldn’t really get SRK or Salman Khan to participate because if I would have got them, it wouldn’t be a quiet morning anymore.

EXPERIMENT:

 SCREENPLAY #1

FADE IN:

INT. STREET/ SOUTH MUMBAI  – DAY

Abundant greenery is evident on this street which is lined by buildings on both of its sides. The street is empty with two cars parked on one side. The street is wet, and few droplets drip from the trees. The screech of a truck passing by is heard. A hamster is pecking into the ground. The MELODIOUS shankh being blown is heard. The innocent LAUGH of a child from a near distance.... the hamster stops pecking. Running legs of a child... wearing scuba diving shoes with a button that lights with every quick step the leg takes. We notice a hint of an oxygen cylinder-shaped sling bag that is swaying as the legs run. The hamster rapidly crosses the street... hides into the trees. The MELODIOUS sound of the shankh. Running legs of an adult wearing black converse shoes. We notice a hint of rugged grey track pants. The legs fade into a distance.

A suit clad MAN, talking on his phone is taking fast paced steps towards the car...

MAN

(laughs)

Bingo. Didn’t expect Valkesh to sign it this soon?

Man gets into car.

MAN (CONT’D)

Whatever, the ball is in our court. Yes, yes. Ask Khushboo to remove the contract papers.

MAN (CONT’D)

(starts the car)

On my way!

He hangs up. A FRAIL LOOKING MAN, wearing rugged clothes comes upto him. Man rolls down his window.

FRAIL MAN

(smiles)

Gadi saaf hai na (The car is clean right)

MAN

(smiles back, searching in car)

Kaka, sorry.... lagta hai bhatuwa ghar pe bhool aya. (Sorry uncle, I guess I left my wallet at home.)

FRAIL MAN

Kya saab...  Apki gadi ko extra force se dhota hoon. (Sir... I put in extra efforts/ force to wash your car.)

MAN

(laughs)

Are, gharpe jhakar pasie lelo na. (Go to my home and take the money)

FRAIL MAN

Abh wapis peeche jaana padega. (Now I’ll have to again walk back)

Frail man begins walking back. The car drives away in the opposite direction.

FRAIL MAN

(murmuring)

Aj phirse woh khadoos parsi bolega ‘derse aveeche, ghadera’ (imitating). (Today the irritating parsi will again tell me ‘You’re late, you donkey’)

Frail man trips over something.

FRAIL MAN

Kya kachra... kachra sab jagah. (What now... there’s garbage everywhere)

He picks up a thin brown wallet. He opens it and sees a lot of cash and cards in it.

Legs of an adult wearing black converse shoes come in from a distance. We notice a hint of rugged grey track pants. The feet with the scuba diving shoes follow. The frail man is staring at the money. A lady pulls his collar from behind (she is the one wearing the converse shoes and tracks).

LADY

(hitting the frail man)

Robber. How swiftly you people flick things?

FRAIL MAN

Are, memsaab... (Madam..)

LADY

What are? Haan... what are?

FRAIL MAN

                                                     Woh...that... paise... no give

LADY

                                                                    No give?           

LADY (CONT’D)

So if somebody doesn’t give you money, you flick haan?

I’ll hand you over to the cops. Come with me, COME (dragging him)

FRAIL MAN

Baapre Bhagwan...aurat... (Oh my God, lady)

LADY

(turns to look at kid – she is wearing a scuba diving suit)

What are you waiting there for?

The kid runs towards her mom.

KID

Mummy, leave him. I’ll be late for the fancy dress competition.

LADY

Sapna, these people need to be taught a lesson. I’m hanging him over to the cops.

The three of them fade into a distance, as the hamster crosses the street.

 SCREENPLAY #2

FADE IN:

INT. STREET/ SOUTH MUMBAI  – DAY

Abundant greenery is evident on this street which is lined by buildings on both of its sides. The street is empty with two cars parked on one side. The street is wet, and few droplets drip from the trees. The screech of a truck passing by is heard. A hamster is pecking into the ground. The MELODIOUS shankh being blown is heard. The innocent LAUGH of a child from a near distance.... the hamster stops pecking. Running legs of a child... wearing scuba diving shoes with a button that lights with every quick step the leg takes. We notice a hint of an oxygen cylinder-shaped sling bag that is swaying as the legs run. The hamster rapidly crosses the street... hides into the trees. The MELODIOUS sound of the shankh. Running legs of an adult wearing black converse shoes. We notice a hint of rugged grey track pants. The legs fade into a distance.

A suit clad MAN, talking on his phone is taking fast paced steps towards the car...

MAN

(agitated)

Why is Valkesh creating such a fuss and not signing it?

He gets into his car. He hangs up. A FRAIL LOOKING MAN, wearing rugged clothes comes upto him. Man rolls down his window.

FRAIL MAN

(smiles)

Gadi saaf hai na (The car is clean right)

MAN

(searching in car, removes his wallet, hands frail man a note)

Thank you

Frail man analyses the note as the car drives away. The hamster runs in the direction in which the car drove. The frail man walks in the same direction. The hamster takes a turn, swiftly paces around... climbs onto a brown wallet fallen on the street and pushes it. The wallet falls into a drain. From a far off distance, the legs in the track pants and the small legs in scuba diving shoes come, passing across the frail man who is merrily singing.

FRAIL MAN

(singing)

Mein apke kaam me aata.... (I would have been of help to you...)

SMALL GIRL WEARING SCUBA DIVING SHOES

(to her mum wearing tracks)

Mamma, I don’t think you are finding that wallet here.

FRAIL MAN

(singing)

Par aj nahi... (But not today...)

So whose small act lead to what followed?

The hamster who made the small girl run after it? 

The small girl who was running making her mother run after her? 

Valkesh signing or not? 

The suit clad man forgetting his wallet or remembering to carry it? 

The lady dropping her wallet? 

The day? 

The wallet?

All did what they felt like, and like everyday the day shaped itself up based on their small doings.

We may not realise it, but much bigger changes in the world are all because of our doings itself.

(*So kudos to you if Chennai Express is a hit. And un-kudos to you if it isn't! Anyways, now, it is. Hah!) 

Freedom of expression given, if it's in accord with our dear netas

It’s altogether a different feeling to stalk back certain moments when one realises the harsh, yet real face of certain ‘supposed’ freedoms which we as citizens of India are given. I stalked back certain moments from my school and college days. I remembered studying books which elegantly, like a long stream, listed the freedoms the citizens of India had. It felt liberating to read the words ‘democratic’; it felt exhilarating to know that I along with my batchmates had the ‘Freedom of Expression’ sans any fears attached; it felt wonderful to know that four whole articles in our honourable Constitution were dedicated for this very Freedom of Expression. But that’s all what it was and it is! Just a few words embedded in various sheets of paper. I think the editor who edited those sheets forgot to add a single line ‘if it’s in accord with our dear netas’ after editing the Freedom of Expression paragraph. Or maybe it was just one of our dear netas who ordered him not to tell the writer to add it.

"Maharashtra and Mumbai??? Why not? Mumbai has always fancied itself as an independent entity, anyway. This game has countless possibilities." 

- Writer Shobhaa De’s Tweet- the tweet that brought several realities to the forefront.

It’s just an expression (that too satirical) consisting of 20 words (that too on Twitter). But expressing 20 words is baap re baap, isn’t it dear netaji?

And we don’t understand or need humour, isn’t it netaji?

And how can we use the term ‘game’. It is a question of the land, and crores of emotions attached to it, isn’t it netaji?

And how can Mumbai obtain a separate stance, isn’t it netaji?

Well netaji, I along with millions of others already know that you can’t take satire or humour in good spirit. Fair enough, but what exactly happened to the Democracy status? Where exactly did our freedom of speech and expression (which our Constitution clearly states) evaporate? 

We can’t use satire. We can’t use words like ‘game’. We can’t express our views, and even while tweeting on Twitter or posting on Facebook we need to spend hours to analyse our tweets and posts, ensure that it is in accord with every neta party (and maybe even send it to your office to get your approval) and receive an approval/ rejection receipt maybe after a year (considering the reputation with regard to time management you guys have). Oh, and we should also know that if it isn’t in accord with your terms and conditions, we should totally expect personal remarks, protests in our compounds and threats.

But dear netaji, I on behalf of the youngsters of this nation must tell you that you have very well, in absolutely life-like picture quality, explained to us a side of the word ‘opportunist’. Against all odds, if one of us bravely decides to express his or her view, you-the dear netaji sees a great opportunity to tweak the interpretation to maximise the vote bank and suddenly express boundless and elevated love for your constituency (strictly through words).

So now I’m left with a hazy understanding of this concept ‘Freedom of Expression as practised in India’. Until an actual amendment is made in our rule book or a restriction is added under the prevailing heads, I’ll continue to go ahead with the one currently stated in our Constitution; even if our dear netas lack humour, find expressions offensive or pricking! And I’m sure there are several other youngsters who would do the same to keep democracy alive.

Click> Publish 

How a small action (a hug by Shah Rukh Khan & Salman Khan – to be precise) creates a change in the universe

It’s said that the smallest of actions, the shortest of words and the most subtle of reactions do certainly have an impact on this big, badly beautiful world. Whoever said/ plagiarised it, wasn't faking it! And it was this very hug that made me actually understand the meaning of these spiritual-cum-philosophical lines. Earlier, I would think that it was just a random guy trying to mint money from his book comprising of such lines.

 It was just a month back when I was taking a stroll on Bandstand promenade, which is incidentally the same place where both Shah Rukh Khan and Salman Khan have their plush residences. Like every other day, it felt refreshing; the breeze swept along with the slight drizzle. The partially wet mud had begun to emit its unique fragrance. People walked, jogged, lazed and gossiped. Some like me; ‘stared’ - let’s make me and the rest who stared look more productive. Some like me; ‘observed’.

So I observed; the meagre sounds of a tiff, coming from a distance, slowly pricked my ear drums. The volume of this unpleasant sound increased at the same rate at which people turned heads in a particular direction. Yes, a fight was in progress. People flocked to the exact site to get the best view of two beings engaged in a verbal spat lavishly garnished with a multi-lingual stream of abuses.

‘Dude, this is as entertaining as an open theatre’ said the guy with dreadlocks to another bald guy as they passed by me to go to the “entertaining spot”.

‘It’s the SRK-Salman war - sequel 2’ replied the bald guy.

For a moment I wondered if a film shoot was going on. Or maybe it was just the lovely media bugs that had come to churn out some buzz-creating honey. And just how randomly we get thoughts, the next thought I got was ‘I'm hungry’. So I decided to head back home, and yes I had to pass “the spot” to get home. There was neither a film shoot going on, nor was the media there to drill or grill.

So what exactly was happening at the “entertaining spot”?

I was stranded in my car as the two stars of this real tiff – Mohan chatwala and Ritesh chaiwala argued on how Ritesh approached Mohan’s customer, Bill at 8:30 p.m. Bill, after his jog everyday, would eat chat prepared by Mohan at 8:30 pm. But this very day Bill drank Ritesh’s chai, instead of eating Mohan’s daily chat. This was because Ritesh approached Bill at 8:30 p.m. asking him to buy some chai. And Bill agreed.

Got it? No?

I can’t help it. Re-read!

Back to the scene

It could clearly be seen that Mohan was in high spirits to fight. He refused  a plate of sev puri to a  passerby, who took the risk to interrupt their fight asking for sev puri.

I had to honk. I couldn’t stay there till their fight terminated. I was hungry, and neither Ritesh nor Mohan would give me chai or chat until they had filled their tummies with a good dose of this fight. Before I could honk, I managed to hear another of their furious verses said in Hindi. I'm translating it for the convenience of worldwide audiences.

‘You are just like Sallu, harsh and mean’ blurted Ritesh to Mohan, while pointing at the bungalow where Salman Khan lives. So clearly Ritesh didn’t like SK.

‘At least I don’t crack dumb jokes on people, like the person whom you admire, SRK (Mohan repeated the K to create a spoof out of a film’s scene) replied Mohan. Clearly, Ritesh preferred SRK.

People seemed amused. I honked, honked and honked once again before I drove off.

The very next day I noticed both Mohan and Ritesh having placed their stalls at two extremes of the street. And thereafter I noticed them at different ends every day until recently....

So until recently, when the news of SRK and SK hugging spread, nothing changed! Or I thought so until I went for my regular stroll. Mohan and Ritesh laughed while serving customers chat and chai. Their stalls stood beside each other. I saw the same bald guy walk up to the tea stall. He didn't seem amused. He waited for his plate of chat as he sweated profusely.

‘I'm sorry again’ Mohan tapped on Ritesh’s shoulder while squeezing some lemon onto the ingredients in the plate.

‘Now that they have hugged, we too can, isn’t it?’ Ritesh proceeded to hug Mohan.

‘Are... please hurry up Mohan bhai’ ordered the bald guy in an irritated fashion.

‘Yes, yes’ Mohan spoke as Ritesh hugged him.

Mohan swiftly dropped some coriander chopping onto the plate and gave it to the bald man.

So it’s just one hug, why is the media making such a big deal out of it? This is what people are discussing now. A few hours back, somebody asked me ‘Is it so important that it has to come on the front page of Mumbai Mirror?’

I don’t know. Nor do I care. What I know is that I've realised that every action that we make has an impact on this universe, be it hugging somebody, proposing somebody, greeting a neighbour, appreciating leaves, reading these words or smiling. No act is impact less.